How would you describe your relation with me? (Now and in the past)
In the past (when you were really little) I thought of you as ‘a tough one.’ You were really stubborn. Headstrong. Marcha and Marieke were much easier. If I gave them any form of explanation they understood that and the problem was solved. With you, it was clear that you knew what I was talking about but you were trying to teach me a lesson. So with you I had to be much clearer and just end something by saying ‘Quit it! NOW!’ That’s not at all like me. Probably because I’m so insecure, I want to be understood so I want to explain everything with arguments. With you, that had no use. You got that look over you, like: ‘There I’ve got you, mom.’ You were the first one with whom I had to use the unsympathetic rules like ‘When I count to three…!!!’ ‘and you do it, now!’ That worked much better with you, but I never felt very comfortable doing that. I couldn’t act so much on instinct anymore, not like I did with Marieke and Marcha. I had to think about everything I did. My nature was too gentle for you. I almost had to use a kind of ‘professional’ attitude towards you. I think we could say that that kind of got out of hand in your puberty. Because you chose to live with your father, there came a sort of distance between us so that our relationship could grow again. We’re finally at a point where we can say: ‘That’s all behind us now.’ I think it is now, truly, a relationship of equality. We have much more respect for each other now, and I think I can understand you better.
Would you like to add anything about my relationship with others? (Jaap, Marcha,
As a young child you always tried to claim people. Literally as well as figuratively. You sat on peoples laps, and stroke someone's face, or held someone’s hand so that someone wouldn’t be able to get his or her coffee. You were always clearly present.
You were also everybody’s friend. My brothers said that as well. You crawled on everybody’s lap, on men in particular, you had a preference for men. As if you were looking for compensation for your absent father.
You liked to be amongst adults. With your sister, who were quite a few years older, the relationship was quite good. Partly because you’re clever. You did everything to be able to join in games. If you weren’t able to, and then I’m talking about the time that you were really small, like two or three years old and you had still a small vocabulary, you had ONE reaction: screaming. Which I could understand, because Marcha and Marieke manipulated you with words, they were very strong verbally, so if you couldn’t express yourself, you did it that way.
When Marcha went to secondary school and you and Marieke were more often together, it surprised me how the two of you grew towards eachother. I’ve always thought that that was because you became more mild, because there was just one rival around you. You could cope with her, difficult perhaps because of the age difference, but you could. You were feisty.
I always thought you were a pretty lively, active child. I mean, the possible laziness I now detect wasn’t there when you were a kid.
Then there’s the Renate story. I always felt that this relationship wasn’t based on true friendship. You were both just trying to claim eachother. That’s why this friendship couldn’t end in a normal way. I also think that after that, a door opened and you could also make new friends. And because you had more than one, you could get out of the habit of claiming. I’ve always been glad with that break-up anyway. I think it was good.
Finally I think you could say that your confidence in starting new friendships has increased. You’re doing it easier.
Can you say something on the friends I have, and have had.
Well we’ve dealt with that I guess. One I could add is that you don’t have such a craving for friends. In primary school you weren’t the initiator making playdates and so on. I think you could easily enjoy yourself. You wouldn’t be bored. In that aspect, you weren’t the one who claimed me. Marcha often asked me: ‘Mom, can we play a game?’ But with you it was much more often me who said “Wiets, want to play a game?” You could easily enjoy yourself and so in that way you didn’t need friends.
What do you think about my career choice? Do think it fit me? Did you expect it?
No I didn’t EXPECT it. But I am glad with your choice because I think it will serve your selfsearching well. I think you should look more around you, spread your wings further. I think right now your underestimating your capacities. I hope, and expect too, that you’ll grow during your study, more towards your true assignment in life. That starting this study isn’t going to be an obstacle at all. Thab it’ll all become clear. What a hopeful mother, aren’t I?
What do you think about the other choices that I’ve made? (Havo, Leeuwarden)
TVWO: Stubborn. I agreed with your primary school teacher right away. You probably could do it, but the question was whether you would want to go for it. And I think I was right from the start. You wanted it to fall into your lap without any effort whatsoever and because you were so clever, you were able to pass by the skin of your teeth. The cmplete family knows that every year again I said: I hope she’ll fail to pass. Unfortunately that happened too late. Therefore I could understand you wanted to try and finish it. But you kept being you. I’ve always hoped you would see the light. You probably knew deep down, but were it the peripheral issues? And perhaps it’s just in your character. Shortage of selfdiscipline??? Anyway, I was glad you decided to go to Havo.
Leeuwarden: I can completely understand that. It was to be expected. Because you wanted to break free from home. And then Friesland, as if it were in your genes, somehow. The people, you’re just attracted by it.
Anything you’d like to add? Important events in my life which we have’t touched upon?
About the divorce: You can’t remember a time when there was a man, a father figure, in the house. Ofcourse I can’t really say whether that has had a negative effect on you, but I do think that because we were so close as a family, that you haven’t been negatively influenced by that. Perhaps that they won’t show until you're 30/40 and you look back onyour life and start wondering about things. You’ll look at them differently. I’m glad the relationship with your father has always been quite good. He’s always been there on the background and has never been banished from your life.
I think that despite the fact that I was divorced, our family has always had a kind of stability.